In my long Journey living with being autistic and living with mental illness.. the road is NOT an easy one. I grew up into a family that chose not to acknowledge that mental illness did not exist so growing up my fight with it was pretty much me and my best friend meredith by my side. It’s hard when you get so misunderstood throughout your life and it makes you feel insignificant and you finally are at the point where you are the outsider looking in.
So what can you do? That is a question that sticks in my head all the time.. I have decided God made me this way for a reason and for a long time, I did not want to accept myself and then came to hate myself. I think there was actually a point where i refused to even look in the mirror because the image of myself scared me so much. Then i came to the revelation one day that i was so busy trying to live up to everyone’s expectations that i had lost who i was and it was then i decided to simply STOP!! I did not care what people thought about me and i really didnt give a flying flip about who i was expected to be.. I was going to be what i wanted and people could either accept me for who i am or they can just stay the hell away from me because seriously the only one in this life who can truly make you happy is YOU! The path and journey is different for every individual person so why should we try attempting to take another path other than our own? Because if you really think about it if you go down that other path then it is only going to end up in what i call an “EPIC FAIL” situation and that is just a path to more disaster, more depression, and more insecurity about yourself.. I Live by the motto “treat everyone how you want to be treated” because i know what it feels like to be treated like you are nothing. I know how it feels to be the underdog and in my view of thinking I never want anyone to feel that way. So I guess what i am trying to say is ” Be who you are not what everyone else wants you to be” and when you can start accepting yourself for who you truly are then Life gets much easier because i my eyes No one in this world is better or worse than anyone else.. Everyone in this world has had a form of mental illness in this life and i call it “Low self-Esteem” Everyone has had at least one negative thought about themselves in some way. So if you really and truly look at the world, Are we really any different from one another?
I rest my case and Have a very Blessed day
This morning i was talking to my fiance’ on skype and rambling on about how i just wanted to help people and he said to me ” Are you ok? Because i am worried about you.. for the last 2 days you have been obsessing over this mental health thing and though I knew you aren’t meaning to be negative you are and I don’t know what to do..”
It then hit me like a freakin Bomb and i realized Depression had set in. It came and smacked me in the back of the head when i wasn’t looking and I wasn’t even aware of it myself.. ‘Where the Hell did you come from?” I was thinking. Effectively I think it was triggered when i found out about the death one of my best friends this week who committed suicide and the guilt i feel right now that somehow if i would of kept my promise last july when i spoke to him that i would not leave him again in which i did that somehow i could of prevented it from happening. It is with this guilt i will have to live with for the rest of my life.
My Fiance has never seen me in this state before and i had to explain to him that it is the time of year when it hits me.. 1. I have no warning 2. there is no reason for me to be depressed and no one in general caused it. 3. I do not know how long or how severe this is going to last.. then he looked at me and said It is Ok. We will get through this together.
It is amazing to finally have someone who understands me and to finally have someone who is going to help me through this.. My entire life this is all i have wanted just someone who totally gets me and I was very blessed to have found John.. I wish so much he could be here right now but he is from austrailia and we are working on getting the fiance’ visa sent in and processed.. It was hard to see him leave in October after having him with me for 3 months and Our relationship is PERFECT!! I think we are holding a record here because we will have been together for 1 year this month and not once have we had one disagreement or argument.. I think this is because our communication is so good that we talk about everything no matter how difficult it may be or even if i could hurt the other.. I don’t know why i was Blessed with such a wonderful man but it was definately God involved there.. And with him being half Aussie and half british he has that OMG sexy accent going for him as well. Seriously tell me what guy would offer to send flowers to your sick mother in the hospital? Sometimes i think i am living in some dream
that one day i will wake up and find out it was all an illusion.. and if it is I hope i never wake up
I think as far as mental illness goes Winter and the holidays is the hardest time of year not only for me but for the mental illness world as a whole. I know that at the end of October I Usually Face my down time of year.. It is not something that is in control and though over the last 2 years I have fought tooth and nail against my Mental Illness and determined not to go back to that dark place ever, ever again, the plain reality of the situation is that.. it is going to sneak up on me and smack me when i least expect it No matter how strong i may be.. As i preach this not only to myself and to others “there is no cure as far as mental illness goes” and though i have done really extremely well over the last two years I have to face the fact that “No April, You are not cured!”
Ok, Now that i have finally accepted this fact I can move on. Winter has set in on my brain and there is a blizzard happening but I can overcome this, and I am determined that i will. I guess i should of realized this days ago when i was at the task at sweeping my kitchen and living floor in my small apartment and searched 15 minutes for a dust pan I knew was there and fighting the insane fact that it got up and walked away and end result finding the stupid thing attached to the broom the whole freakin time.. Yeah i did end up finding it a bit funny as did my Best friend. So I just put it off as a typical Aspie Moment for me.. I swear as i say this that i would loose my own head if it wasn’t attached to me.
I know that I still have a ways to go and much i still need to learn but i will and with God leading me and holding my hand I know everything will be ok because God is always with us weather we see or feel him Holding our hand and telling us “Hey You, Winter does not last forever!! so i end with this hoping I can just crash into spring