I think as far as mental illness goes Winter and the holidays is the hardest time of year not only for me but for the mental illness world as a whole. I know that at the end of October I Usually Face my down time of year.. It is not something that is in control and though over the last 2 years I have fought tooth and nail against my Mental Illness and determined not to go back to that dark place ever, ever again, the plain reality of the situation is that.. it is going ┬áto sneak up on me and smack me when i least expect it No matter how strong i may be.. As i preach this not only to myself and to others “there is no cure as far as mental illness goes” and though i have done really extremely well over the last two years I have to face the fact that “No April, You are not cured!”

Ok, Now that i have finally accepted this fact I can move on. Winter has set in on my brain and there is a blizzard happening but I can overcome this, and I am determined that i will. I guess i should of realized this days ago when i was at the task at sweeping my kitchen and living floor in my small apartment and searched 15 minutes for a dust pan I knew was there and fighting the insane fact that it got up and walked away and end result finding the stupid thing attached to the broom the whole freakin time.. Yeah i did end up finding it a bit funny as did my Best friend. So I just put it off as a typical Aspie Moment for me.. I swear as i say this that i would loose my own head if it wasn’t attached to me.

I know that I still have a ways to go and much i still need to learn but i will and with God leading me and holding my hand I know everything will be ok because God is always with us weather we see or feel him Holding our hand and telling us “Hey You, Winter does not last forever!! so i end with this hoping I can just crash into spring



A New Beginning

I am writing this so i may be a light to some of you.. my name is April and i am a survior of suicide.
My first attempt was at 13 and i had many more up until the age of 36. sometimes 4 attempts a month.
I suffer from Asperger’s syndrome, I am Bi-Polar, Major anxiety disorder, ODD you name it i probably have it.
I am a victim of Mental and Physical abuse from my childhood and in adulthood.. and for years I was lost to everyone
I was in the deepest darkest place where no one could reach me.. I HATED MYSELF.. and though people
tried no one could help me because i didn’t want to be helped.. I wanted to live in my pain and anger and hate, but then
I found i was loosing the closest and most precious thing i had in my life and those where my children.. They were literally
watching me die.. So on new years eve of 2010 i made the decision to change my life because the only way i could do that
was ME.. most of the problem i found was situational and mentally and physically i was beyond hope.. It was the hardest,
most difficult decision i ever had to make but it was the most LIFE-CHANGING!! New years day I left behind everything i knew
no money, no home really but if i stayed it would of been death there is no doubt about that..Now 2 years later i have been
Suicide free and totally off ALL depression and anxiety medication..I know most of you believe there is no hope and no light
but i am here to testify that there IS.. I am proof of that.. I found there is lessons and struggles in our life we must face
either to learn what we DON’t want in our life or to be a stronger person within ourselves.. It is a difficult journey
but EVERYONE has a purpose and YOU ALL are important in some way.. DON’T GIVE UP BECAUSE AS I HAVE PROVED THE DARKNESS