Meltdowns and Angry Faces

Ok so this is one of those days when meltdowns come to this Aspie.

Seriously!!

Disappointment kicks in, because truly, i really wanted to do something special for my fiance’ in Austrailia for christmas.  So since both of us have a love of gaming and MMO’s, i bought him guild wars 2 online and made a secret account for him.  Over skype, I told him ” look in your e-mail and merry christmas!!”

Then yesterday, the  Grinch sent him an e-mail saying that  his account was disabled, as was the key for the game. This was  on account that  it was bought with a stolen credit card.. so  in my logical way i told him that  i would fix it.

I called  them only to get told i needed to put in a ticket and  so thus began my “ASPIE meltdown”

I totally hate it when i think things are going good, and all the sudden the world goes into a fit of EPIC disaster in my mind.. so i ended up telling them off in a email and then finding money was replaced on the pre-paid visa i had bought the game with.

Me and john decided that yes, i was doing something nice and i tried and  instead of going through the hastle of buying the game for each other , we could buy it for ourselves instead and pretend it was from each other. This method i guess works.

So as my Meltdown and Angry Face slowly dies down, My question to you guys is,  If you were in this situation like me would this trigger a meltdown in you?

Happy thursday and merry christmasImage

Crossroads

In my long  Journey living with being autistic and living with mental illness.. the road is NOT an easy one. I grew up into a family that chose not to acknowledge that mental illness did not exist so growing up my fight with it was pretty much me and my best friend meredith by my side. It’s hard when you get so misunderstood throughout your life and it makes you feel insignificant and you finally are at the point where you are the outsider looking in.

So what can you do?  That is a question that sticks in my head all the time.. I have decided God made me this way for a reason and for a long time, I did not want to accept myself and then came to hate myself. I think there was actually a point where i refused to even look in the mirror because the image of myself scared me so much. Then i came to the revelation one day that i was so busy trying to live up to everyone’s expectations that i had lost who i was and it was then i decided to simply STOP!!  I did not care what people thought about me and i really didnt give a flying flip about who i was expected to be.. I was going to be what i wanted and people could either accept me for who i am or they can just stay the hell away from me because seriously the only one in this life who can truly make you happy is YOU!   The path and journey is different for every individual person so why should we try attempting to take another path other than our own? Because if you really think about it if you go down that other path then it is only going to end up in what i call an “EPIC FAIL” situation and that is just a path to more disaster, more depression, and more insecurity about yourself.. I Live by the motto “treat everyone how you want to be treated” because i know what it feels like to be treated like you are nothing. I know how it feels to be the underdog and in my view of thinking I never want anyone to feel that way. So I guess what i am trying to say is ” Be who you are not what everyone else wants you to be”  and when you can start accepting yourself for who you truly are then Life gets much easier because i my eyes No one in this world is better or worse than anyone else.. Everyone in this world has had a form of mental illness in this life and i call it “Low self-Esteem”  Everyone has had at least one negative thought about themselves in some way. So if you really and truly look at the world, Are we really any different from one another?

I rest my case and Have a very Blessed day

Winterfell

I think as far as mental illness goes Winter and the holidays is the hardest time of year not only for me but for the mental illness world as a whole. I know that at the end of October I Usually Face my down time of year.. It is not something that is in control and though over the last 2 years I have fought tooth and nail against my Mental Illness and determined not to go back to that dark place ever, ever again, the plain reality of the situation is that.. it is going  to sneak up on me and smack me when i least expect it No matter how strong i may be.. As i preach this not only to myself and to others “there is no cure as far as mental illness goes” and though i have done really extremely well over the last two years I have to face the fact that “No April, You are not cured!”

Ok, Now that i have finally accepted this fact I can move on. Winter has set in on my brain and there is a blizzard happening but I can overcome this, and I am determined that i will. I guess i should of realized this days ago when i was at the task at sweeping my kitchen and living floor in my small apartment and searched 15 minutes for a dust pan I knew was there and fighting the insane fact that it got up and walked away and end result finding the stupid thing attached to the broom the whole freakin time.. Yeah i did end up finding it a bit funny as did my Best friend. So I just put it off as a typical Aspie Moment for me.. I swear as i say this that i would loose my own head if it wasn’t attached to me.

I know that I still have a ways to go and much i still need to learn but i will and with God leading me and holding my hand I know everything will be ok because God is always with us weather we see or feel him Holding our hand and telling us “Hey You, Winter does not last forever!! so i end with this hoping I can just crash into spring

 

A New Beginning

I am writing this so i may be a light to some of you.. my name is April and i am a survior of suicide.
My first attempt was at 13 and i had many more up until the age of 36. sometimes 4 attempts a month.
I suffer from Asperger’s syndrome, I am Bi-Polar, Major anxiety disorder, ODD you name it i probably have it.
I am a victim of Mental and Physical abuse from my childhood and in adulthood.. and for years I was lost to everyone
I was in the deepest darkest place where no one could reach me.. I HATED MYSELF.. and though people
tried no one could help me because i didn’t want to be helped.. I wanted to live in my pain and anger and hate, but then
I found i was loosing the closest and most precious thing i had in my life and those where my children.. They were literally
watching me die.. So on new years eve of 2010 i made the decision to change my life because the only way i could do that
was ME.. most of the problem i found was situational and mentally and physically i was beyond hope.. It was the hardest,
most difficult decision i ever had to make but it was the most LIFE-CHANGING!! New years day I left behind everything i knew
no money, no home really but if i stayed it would of been death there is no doubt about that..Now 2 years later i have been
Suicide free and totally off ALL depression and anxiety medication..I know most of you believe there is no hope and no light
but i am here to testify that there IS.. I am proof of that.. I found there is lessons and struggles in our life we must face
either to learn what we DON’t want in our life or to be a stronger person within ourselves.. It is a difficult journey
but EVERYONE has a purpose and YOU ALL are important in some way.. DON’T GIVE UP BECAUSE AS I HAVE PROVED THE DARKNESS
DOES NOT LAST FOREVER..