Feeling Lost

Beyond the distance of time and the conciousness of the mind we are just souls searching for anything to make us feel like we are apart of something.
We slowly drift around and within we are screaming silently. Sometimes we can’t even scream at all and are left in a state of being where we try to feel something , anything and just simply can’t.
We feel lost and sometimes defeated. We try so hard to fit in places where we know we truly don’t belong. We wish we had answers and we find ourselves loosing sight of even how we are or why we are even here. What is our purpose? Do we even have one?
As i write this my mind is filled with a million things.. The haves, the what nots, the could of beens and even what will be. Here i am in the middle of my life and i think “what the hell am i even doing.” I have no clue whatsoever who i am or if i have been anything at all.
I do know what i can do and what i want and i also know who others have told me i am but is it the truth? Do i even really fit in anywhere? Have i even made any kind of difference with what i have done? Touched people in some way to make up for what i have not even been able to do myself? I wonder…
Is this what feeling lost is? As i sit here i ackknowlege that the things that i felt once filled my day has now left me feeling empty.. The things i loved to do and thought i was good at.. I am not really sure anymore.. The people i thought were my friends who i became close to.. Maybe they were a figment of my imagination..
You come to that day where you just wake up and you struggle to even breathe .. suffocating in a life you never wanted and yearn for something everyone else has but you don’t think you ever will have. I am not trying to throw a pity party here.. I’m really not.
Maybe i am just tired. Sleep is always restless if i even sleep at all. I see myself getting older and for years i have closed myself up between the 4 walls of my apartment , Never leaving and maybe even afraid to make contact with people because in my reality everyone i have ever loved has left or been taken away so for self protection i have learned not to get close to anyone because i know in the end it never lasts.
I have no clue why i am even writing this.. all i know is i was lead to write it and so i am. I am not like anyone else and i haven’t ever really tried but chosen to do the complete opposite. I forgive quickly. I love deeply. I do my best to be a light to people. I have too much compassion and maybe that has made me a bigger target.. I just don’t know.
I seem to have answers for everyone but myself and maybe i do but just not seeing it.
I do know i am meant for so much more in my life than what i am doing now but what that is .. just another unanswered question..
I do know having Asperger’s is not easy.. Is it wrong for me to want to be totally loved and accepted just like everyone else? All i have ever wanted was to be happy but maybe i just don’t know how.feeling-lost

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Meltdowns and Angry Faces

Ok so this is one of those days when meltdowns come to this Aspie.

Seriously!!

Disappointment kicks in, because truly, i really wanted to do something special for my fiance’ in Austrailia for christmas.  So since both of us have a love of gaming and MMO’s, i bought him guild wars 2 online and made a secret account for him.  Over skype, I told him ” look in your e-mail and merry christmas!!”

Then yesterday, the  Grinch sent him an e-mail saying that  his account was disabled, as was the key for the game. This was  on account that  it was bought with a stolen credit card.. so  in my logical way i told him that  i would fix it.

I called  them only to get told i needed to put in a ticket and  so thus began my “ASPIE meltdown”

I totally hate it when i think things are going good, and all the sudden the world goes into a fit of EPIC disaster in my mind.. so i ended up telling them off in a email and then finding money was replaced on the pre-paid visa i had bought the game with.

Me and john decided that yes, i was doing something nice and i tried and  instead of going through the hastle of buying the game for each other , we could buy it for ourselves instead and pretend it was from each other. This method i guess works.

So as my Meltdown and Angry Face slowly dies down, My question to you guys is,  If you were in this situation like me would this trigger a meltdown in you?

Happy thursday and merry christmasImage

Crossroads

In my long  Journey living with being autistic and living with mental illness.. the road is NOT an easy one. I grew up into a family that chose not to acknowledge that mental illness did not exist so growing up my fight with it was pretty much me and my best friend meredith by my side. It’s hard when you get so misunderstood throughout your life and it makes you feel insignificant and you finally are at the point where you are the outsider looking in.

So what can you do?  That is a question that sticks in my head all the time.. I have decided God made me this way for a reason and for a long time, I did not want to accept myself and then came to hate myself. I think there was actually a point where i refused to even look in the mirror because the image of myself scared me so much. Then i came to the revelation one day that i was so busy trying to live up to everyone’s expectations that i had lost who i was and it was then i decided to simply STOP!!  I did not care what people thought about me and i really didnt give a flying flip about who i was expected to be.. I was going to be what i wanted and people could either accept me for who i am or they can just stay the hell away from me because seriously the only one in this life who can truly make you happy is YOU!   The path and journey is different for every individual person so why should we try attempting to take another path other than our own? Because if you really think about it if you go down that other path then it is only going to end up in what i call an “EPIC FAIL” situation and that is just a path to more disaster, more depression, and more insecurity about yourself.. I Live by the motto “treat everyone how you want to be treated” because i know what it feels like to be treated like you are nothing. I know how it feels to be the underdog and in my view of thinking I never want anyone to feel that way. So I guess what i am trying to say is ” Be who you are not what everyone else wants you to be”  and when you can start accepting yourself for who you truly are then Life gets much easier because i my eyes No one in this world is better or worse than anyone else.. Everyone in this world has had a form of mental illness in this life and i call it “Low self-Esteem”  Everyone has had at least one negative thought about themselves in some way. So if you really and truly look at the world, Are we really any different from one another?

I rest my case and Have a very Blessed day

Where the hell did you come from?

This morning i was talking to my fiance’ on skype and rambling on about how i just wanted to help people and he said to me ” Are you ok? Because i am worried about you.. for the last 2 days you have been obsessing over this mental health thing and though I knew you aren’t meaning to be negative you are and I don’t know what to do..”

It then hit me like a freakin Bomb and i realized Depression had set in. It came and smacked me in the back of the head when i wasn’t looking and I wasn’t even aware of it myself.. ‘Where the Hell did you come from?”   I was thinking. Effectively I think it was triggered when i found out about the death one of my best friends this week who committed suicide and the guilt i feel right now that somehow if i would of kept my promise last july when i spoke to him that i would not leave him again in which i did that somehow i could of prevented it from happening. It is with this guilt i will have to live with for the rest of my life.

My Fiance has never seen me in this state before and i had to explain to him that it is the time of year when it hits me.. 1. I have no warning 2. there is no reason for me to be depressed and no one in general caused it. 3. I do not know how long or how severe this is going to last.. then he looked at me and said It is Ok. We will get through this together.

It is amazing to finally have someone who understands me and to finally have someone who is going to help me through this.. My entire life this is all i have wanted just someone who totally gets me and I was very blessed to have found John.. I wish so much he could be here right now but he is from austrailia and we are working on getting the fiance’ visa sent in and processed.. It was hard to see him leave in October after having him with me for 3 months and Our relationship is PERFECT!!  I think we are holding a record here because we will have been together for 1 year this month and not once have we had one disagreement or argument.. I think this is because our communication is so good that we talk about everything no matter how difficult it may be or even if i could hurt the other.. I don’t know why i was Blessed with such a wonderful man but it was definately God involved there.. And with him being half Aussie and half british he has that OMG sexy accent going for him as well. Seriously tell me what guy would offer to send flowers to your sick mother in the hospital? Sometimes i think i am living in some dream

that one day i will wake up and find out it was all an illusion.. and if it is I hope i never wake up